a boy falls in love with a girl. She is beautiful and cute and everything. Just another crush in the boy’s life that was never fulfilled with love. Or not the kind that goes both ways. He falls instantly for her at first sight. The boy is too shy, the girl is too taken and there’s nothing much he can do but wait. In this time the boy tries to grow so when the moment comes he will have something to show for. He watches her for years without saying a word. He rejects all opportunities that would take him away from her proximity. If he didn’t the boy’s life would be now much different.

 

One day he goes and talks to her.  Not right away the girl gets curious and they start going out a few times. The boy is crazy with love and behaves and talks like a teenager in her presence. Soon after that she figures out that this is not what she needs. He feels that and becomes desperate as he sees the girl of his dreams slipping away from him without even something to have happened between the two. When she finally decides to close things he starts clinging to the girl . In her kindness she cannot just let him go like that. So she starts buying time hoping that one day the feelings will pass. Everything is postponed and patience is the key word she tells.
Nothing ever happens but the possibility is there at least in her sayings. more than 1 year goes by and still nothing happens. The boy starts to lose his mind. Flirts with the unthinkable and the only way he manages to make the pain go away, at least for a while is running away in the world. For a time the thrills of seeing new places, meeting new people work. He takes photos, a thing he loves so much. He finds a bit of joy in all of this but his mind is still only on his girl. Behind every photo, behind every place there is a story or a thought that relates to her. Behind every snapshot of lovers there is him and the girl. He lost himself in the full-of-life cities of Europe, in the wilderness of Iceland, and even completely isolated having the most beautiful landscapes in front of him, the girl was never absent. She is so much more beautiful than anything else the world can offer. The possibility is still there from time to time , girl said , so he dreams of it, feeding his hopes with it, buying time that grows more and more expensive He spends most of his time in other countries with the thought that when he comes back there is something waiting for him.
But when he eventually comes back comes back the girl is not alone anymore and all hopes have gone. Driven with obsession he starts insisting, starts stalking her and losing every part of common sense he had in him until she hates him. What was once a beautiful feeling turned into a nightmare for everyone. He gives her unwanted flowers everyday that she trows away in the garbage, she phones her, follows her, intercepts her trying to talk, begging, crying. Would not give up, could not.He knew if he would he would be as good as dead.   He insists for months and months. Hurts her, hurts the people around him and knows it. But he still finds logic in his actions and if not logic the desperate self conservation instinct that was acting . He sent unwanted gifts and flowers and phones, everyday, every month. To help himself he tried seeing other girls, he tried drugs , socializing and going out most his time but nothing really distracted him. No drug was powerful enough to substitute the hole in his life even if he somehow wished he would make drugs or alcohol a lifestyle.  At least drugs, alcohol were possible and affordable. He even thought that maybe with the right drugs he could bend the rules of the universe. Maybe would he wake up in another reality where things are differed, are better. No shooting star, no summer sunrise and no magic fountain has he missed , always wishing the same wish, not really believing in them but hoping there is at least some truth in the folklore. But the rules of the universe cannot be bent by force them and eventually the boy found that out. On this black magic road he did discover out a lot about how the world works, the reality and infinite self-propagation of the universe, about how beautiful the simple existence is.  But that did not help. Not now, no in his situation.
Also he made  a lot of friends, lost some along the way. Except the girl there is nothing else the boy would complain about in his life, yet there is not night that can sleep properly and not not one morning he would wake up with optimism now. And that is in the nights when he could sleep not wondering how/where the girl is. Is she happy ? He wishes her to be happy but always in those wishes it would be with him. Is she wearing a ring ? At which finger ? The day she gets married or fades forever without anything to happen he knows is the day he will die .
He doesn’t even want her fully. Anything, any part of her he could get would be enough, she is enough. It’s the 21th century now and he imagines can be that way. He prays every time, even tough he lost his religion a long time ago he still prays to something. To himself, to mind over matter, to the simple randomness of quantum particles that by a butterfly effect could change the world. In vain. Perhaps now he pays for something he’s done. Perhaps time doesn’t matter and he payed for his sins before the sins were made, even if those sins are a direct effect of their punishment. Perhaps it’s the people he has hurt along the way. And perhaps part of his repent might be the photographs that he still does. They are not that powerful and he will never be the artist he wanted but they still have a potential to change something for the better. Show them to enough people and one in a thousand might be differed after seeing them.

And one day a few months back he stops harassing the girl and promises he would not do it again. Stops sending her unwanted flowers and presents, stops intercepting her every occasion he gets to ask for her attention. He still hopes that in the future there will be a sunny day (she once described the day they will go out again as a sunny day and the word  stuck with him).  But as soon as he let her go the sense of control in life was gone. He no longer could do anything but wait. He was numb and helpless and felt there was no hope left. Felt no need to run away anymore as the world lost it’s charm a long time ago for him. Little pleasure did taking photographs gave him now. He looked through the tons of old ones he had taken and rewind-ed his life as he remembers the stories behind them. He realizes how much he has changed from all of this and could barely remembered the way he was before . He made all the mistakes he could , he learned from but now he was alone with no chance of applying the knowledge. The sins are never forgiven and even if they were that would be little comfort   to his broken heart.
He still loves the girl so much and wishes to have another chance. Still waits for her, still will, for a while. Still would do anything to have her. Still would accept compromises and fewer than everything possibilities. She still hates him and would not give him one minute of her life. And also he got caught in a place where anything he’d do would be bad for someone. If he sees the girl happy he’s unhappy because that means she will not be his. Seeing her unhappy having the slightest feel that it might have something to do with him made him sick and wants to disappear from the world forever so no one else has to suffer. Not seeing her at all gave him a feel of emptiness and lack of meaning that is worse that any of those 2. Wants a simple solution that would not harm anyone, not anymore. Wants a better world where one is not limited by a single other person in his life. Wants the boundaries to disappear forever so nothing like this will ever happen to anyone.

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